Entry 6, Monday, December 3, 2013
Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood
Today’s been a long day my love, but I’ve had a good amount of time to think about our interactions in fragmented pockets of thinking and reading here and there. Boy has discovering “Women Who Love Too Much” by accident at a used bookstore provided me with the rare opportunity to see myself with a clarity reserved for those elusive still moments. Just be. Think. See clearly. Experience life with all one’s senses. Truly awake, and I’m trying to do that a little more.
This book, surprisingly, is my mirror. That woman, who has a voracious appetite for receiving and giving love, is me. That women who is wounded by a deep need to be wanted, needed, accepted, chosen… finally, just finally embraced, is me. Pink has this wonderful line in her song “Glitter In The Air” where she states, “You whole life waiting on the ring to prove you’re not alone”. Whoa and Amen. I am that woman who has unwittingly waited for validation to arrive though a man for far too long. How misguided of me.
So, now the time has come for me to begin to peel back the dead flesh covering my wounds. I must finally begin scrape off the layers of unhealthy relational skin, and recover from the ruinous third degree soul burns that come with feeling unwanted much of one’s life.
Many moments of my childhood were filled with anxiety and abuse at the hands of an emotionally unavailable mother, and because much of that behavior has continued to persist until today, I have banished her from my life for what I sincerely intend and hope to be forever.
I choose to commit to allowing myself to live an abuse free life. That means, I don’t accept abuse in any relationships with others. While working that side job that I had in hospitality, I encountered people who somehow acted as if directing their misguided animosities towards service providers is okay. I am not that kind of service provider. So, working in a stressful customer-facing position was not a good fit for me. I am still elated that I bowed out of that type of environment and treatment.
In much the same way, my love, I decided you were not allowed to abuse or neglect me due to your emotional unavailability and/or self-serving choices. I was truly getting the short end of the stick in so many ways. So, there has been a thread of relief even in my despair over losing you.
In Robin Norwood’s book, she explains Eros love versus agape love. My experience loving you can only be defined the Eros type of love. It oozes with the both passion and stimulation. Yet, what I truly want and need is an agape style love that is rooted in commitment, stability and intimacy while also having an element of Eros. Given the choice between the two, I now realize that agape love is superior for the commitment-minded woman who desires a long-term partnership/marriage. I’ve had enough of the one-sided Eros type of love to understand that its fleeting antics will never be fulfilling long enough to provide me with the healthy and consistent form of relating I desire. In our hook up culture, I can now see why so many women are dissatisfied in their sexual unions with men.
For the reason that agape love appears to be the superior option for me, my decision to abandon our connection has been validated even further.
I miss you terribly Love, and my passion for you is still intense. However, I realize that time will dull both the intensity and the pain of my emotions, and this moment presents me with the amazing opportunity to pursue the real work of healing my core issues.
Hear me roar Love. Okay. Nevermind, don’t hear me roar, since you’re not here. Even better, I am elated to roar all the same for an audience of one. Life has never been so sweet now that my vitamin D gel capsules and new book are in tow. Ha ha.
I love you with all my heart Babe, and I miss you deeply. Yet, more importantly, I am in pursuit of a chance to feel an abiding love for myself just as easily as I could feel it for you. It’s time for me to start validating me.
Ciao my love, and May the day come when I can wish you well through the healthy filters of sincerity and detachment.
Entry 4, Sunday, December 1, 2013
Although this is definitely about you, in many ways it’s also not about you. In all the ways that you have been living your dysfunction, preferences, and choices which have manifested into our interactions, I have done the same. I think we were doomed from the start, because I am sick. I am the product of an emotionally and physically abusive and neglectful biological mother and an absentee biological father. You are the product of an absentee father and have experienced at least one major rift with your mother, though I know little about the details of your past and current relationship with her.
For two people with the issues that we both have to come together and survive is a miraculous thing, and when the love is one sided, how much greater the odds of dissolution. I take responsibility for my contributions to our dysfunction as two people tragically affiliated with each other under such dead end circumstances.
So about me, as much as I would wish that you were a different man, this issue has manifested into my life as a small segment of a larger theme and pattern. That’s a pattern that only I can break. A tragedy that I must do the work to heal. Whether it’s you or someone else, I remain the common denominator in the chaos. I am the product of my choices both consciously and subconsciously, and I am exhausted.
I hope one day the hurt will get bad enough to encourage a lasting change. My commitment is to making this the last time I enter into a situation that is as hurtful to me emotionally as this one has been. That is why I abandoned us so quickly. I’ve spent so much time feeling unloved by my biological parents and select others, that I can’t take another person coming into my life who is unable to demonstrate love for me in a consistent and mature manner. Perhaps, I’ve always wanted something that I, myself, am not ready to give in return.
The pain of feeling regularly neglected emotionally and physically, is not something I deserve. I deserve someone who can be honest with me and commit to standing by me through thick and thin. Not a person who abandons and shuts down when things don’t go exactly as he’d wish.
Not only has the time not come for me connect with that ideal man, but also my interactions with you have illuminated all the things about my behavioral patterns and choices that might undermine my relationship with him should he appear. And what then happens to my life should that “ideal” though imperfect partner never appear? Part of my evolution is working towards an acceptance and understanding of what I can and cannot live without while still creating a meaningful life for myself if the right partner should never arrive. Long story short, I need a break from men. I need time to heal old wounds and to explore ways to unlearn toxic behavioral patterns that are damaging to my well-being.
Thanks for being a source of illumination, which I suspect must have had a couple frustrations for you, though I doubt they were even remotely close to my own (me being the truly emotionally vested party). Though I regret so much about my choices in respect to you, I also appreciate what I continue to learn as a result.
Moving on is one of the best things that could ever have happened to me from a self-love stand point no matter how painful the break. In moving on, I am given an opportunity to advance my life in a way that increasingly applies the lessons I’ve learned from this experience.
A cousin gave me the book “If Life is a Game, These are the Rules” by Cherie Carter-Scott. In keeping with its content. I was given a life. I have been presented with many lessons. Those lessons will continue to repeat themselves until I learn from them. My process of learning, in general, will never end as long as I am alive.
I will never stop loving you! No matter what, as I’ve said before, “You are my baby”. There will always be a place for you buried somewhere in recesses of my memories. Goodbye for what, more than likely, will be forever.
Eugenia gives a lot of great relationship advice. Of course, the proof of its value is in the application. Her posts are the truth. Get ready to be empowered.
Here’s another great post: “Your Choices Will Come Back to Haunt You”. Check it out when you have time.
**Contains Explicit Content**
Entry 1, Thursday, November 28, 2013
Lust not love. Attachment steeped in shallow and fleeting unhealthiness. Whatever the case may be, dear love you are god to me. Though it sounds ignorant to admit it, I love life with you more than anything life has ever shown evidence of offering without you. My King, right now in the intensity of my longing for you, you are truly my everything. You and you alone are my god.
Life is lonely without you; both before you came again and now since you are gone again. This time I banished you to the emotionally cluttered halls of my heart and memories. Too attached and heartbroken to be able to be able to cope with your noncommittal presence in my life. Love, I do not want to live without you. Each day I think that death would be a gift. You are my everything, too bad I wasn’t your everything, not even a little bit. Not.Even.Close.
Babe, I think about our sex every day. Though it’s grieves my spirit that you wanted to penetrate me anally, as ill-advised as that is for me, I wanted you to penetrate me anally. Dominate me from my ass to my vagina to my clitoris to my breast to my lips to my mind and to my heart. How twisted and conflicting life can seem when you feel in love. What a splash of delicious pleasure and emotion, filling me up but never giving me enough to satisfy me for long.
I need you babe, like every day. So, I’ll write until I get over you. Until I no longer mourn the love that wasn’t ever there. Until my idealism about what I wish had been subsides with the distant, bittersweet acceptance that reality often induces.
I love and need you very much my love. I feel, though erroneously, that I am nothing without you.
By William A. Foster, IV
The first point of wisdom is to discern that which is false; the second to know that which is true. - Lactantius
Recent events at Barney's (and many others like it) and the outrage that followed by African Americans reminded me of a truth. We are not a self-dependent community. Asian and European America have created such ecosystems that when they choose to do business or engage outside of their ecosystem it is a choice, not a necessity.
Perhaps its time black Christianity start offering more substance and actual results. Otherwise, its continued decline is inevitable.